For the next few months, I am competing in a weight loss contest with a few other bloggers; not necessarily against each other. Mostly against ourselves. And we each set the rewards we want to receive if we reach our goal.
Enter Lose to Win: Healthy for the Holidays and Kristen, Rachel and Sara – three sweet ladies who all have the same goal: to get healthy. Each week we will be posting on our individual blogs our progress, our struggles, and how the other ladies are doing.
My story: I have been considered obese since I was a child. Honestly. I have suffered the way most overweight children suffer, the teasing, the gym classes, the shunning from classmates. As I came to adulthood, all of that outer abuse has internalized. You know you always tell someone in a bad relationship just to sever ties and get out? How do you do that when the relationship is with yourself? Now I am the one telling myself: You’re terrible. You’re never going to do this. You suck. Why even try? Everyone is just going to nod their heads when you fail and say, “I told you so.” You don’t even deserve to be thin or beautiful. Do you know how worthless of a person you are?
My focus will be in doing this in the simplest manner possible. It’s not rocket science. Calories in must be less than calories out. But there are some things that will need to be addressed. And the main one will be severing ties with that Evil Me.
I am afraid. Of what? I’m not exactly sure. Failure? Having a new life? Finally achieving my dream? Maybe it’s a different kind of fear. I am afraid of my children having this life, this fear.
Living for Myself
Nearly every parent will argue that their children are first in their life, above all else. But just like the airplane emergency procedures say: Take care of yourself first. As I take care of myself, my children will learn and model MY life. If it’s a bad life, that’s what they become. I must change that.
I worry about everything. But more than anything, I worry about what others are saying and thinking about me. Ironic, isn’t it? As I put my life online for everyone to see. But I worry and I’m afraid that others are thinking, “She’ll never do this. She always gains it back. This is ridiculous. Just watch.” I worry that they’re right. See how those things I think others are saying are exactly what Evil Me says to myself.
Notice that none of things were issues with food or issues with working out. Except for getting up after very little sleep, I KNOW that those are the things that get it done. I’m not an idiot.
It’s time to do this. Now. Today.